no matter what when you are like us, you will be judged by some...human nature is just like that.

i know that i only share what i want known. sometimes, if you notice in other tribes, the non recovery tribes, people try and act like they are more than they know. or they try and be clever, or funny, and really are mainly or phoney.
i have a tough time in those tribes, but i've always appreciated the recovery tribes because for the most part people are real.
m observation is that those who engage in recovery controversy aren't in long term sobriety, and occaisionally they too slip up and let there ego take over. it is then i say go back to step one. simple, you got a problem. i can't manage it. that includes your ego.
but, i do know i would be viewed as a hypocrite in some of those tribes if they knew everything about me. the med part i keep that low key. and it doesn't make me guilty of a lie by omssion.
it is the intent of the main recovery tribes to discuss program issues and as you can see, far more cross talk is permissable cause we post. the offshoot tribes are not program tribes, and people at times forget this.
i don't need my home group here to know all my busines, it's a small town.
the point is this. i am not using illegal drugs or drinking. because they fuck w/ my psych meds. they cloud my judgement and it landed me in places i don't want to go back to. i like you , have another 1 1/2 yrs. on felony probation. and i was on a very short lease for a long time. the first probation took 3.8 yrs. to come off of and the next one not until next august. then i have to wait to see if i canhave them expunged. my life has invisible bars and it bugs the shit out of me too. i have a daughter and my entire 5 yrs. here have been doing what i'm told by some large bureacratic, corrupt system full of hypocrisy and bullshit. oh well, i put myself in it. and you know damn well whenyou're in it, it's real hard to get out. and, they dont make it easy. in fact here they make it hard. keeps the coffers full.
i advocated hard in the court systems for the dual diagnosed addict. i exposed the corruption in Prop 36 and the courts. then i relapsed and it was all for nothing. i did my full sentence. i learned hard lessons.
how is it at the age of 47 i am finally figuring out that life is not about fairness, justice, or what is right.? it' s about power and control and who has it. it's about who you know and how muchmoney you have. i thought i knew that, and intellectually i did, but i really was astounded how ignorant, corrupt and evil people really are.
no one has your best interests but you girl.
and, if on happenstance you can find that rare person who can shed a light, hop on it. it can dim quick.
i have met some awesome people on tribe. and i have had some serious issues w/ others. i don't engage in pissing contests w/ people. i will nopt take the bait. doesn't work in the real world and it certainly works less in cyberspace. the times i get kicked, i either respond with quiet dignity or not at all. i have resigned from troubled tribes. i've dropped "friends" who turn out to be trolls.
my bipolar takes me places deep and dark at times and no drugs can cure that i have come to learn. since i don't use i sleep more, have no energy, feel lazy and am sad i have lost freinds i still want to have.
then i go to a mtg.and that helps til the next day. it is the mtgs. that keep me sane.
but i know i have a chemical imbalnce. i know i'm like a diabetic who needs insulin. i am sensitive to those who know nothing about my disease and think that by just not using it will all be ok. i want to say read some literature before you spout off.
so, dear i am rambling....
and this tribe isn't active. it could be, but i like the quiet. it is at times like these i can post honestly and possibly carry a msg.
i tried the bipolar tribe and found people whined more than had worthwhile ESH. and at times my shares created controversy cause people didn't like the truth. i know alot about DD. and this tribe is for that. fug started it and though she is quiet in here and has been busy, she is an activist for the DD people. and so am i.
pharmecuetical meds saved me, and yet they aren't the total answer. some days, even weeks are just fucked up. early sobriety especially. your brain chemistry is trying to right itself, your body trying to heal.
the worst thing we can do is tempt fate w/ ETOH, a depressant, and speed, cause it's illegal or any other drugs that are contraindicated for us. we just want to self medicate. in my eyes there was nothing wrong with that, until i got busted.
now i have enough mtgs under me and have been in therapy forever and know what i need to do, even when i dont want too. the fellowship, like any other on or off tribe will never agree on everything, except the primary purpose. and i guess i keep that in mind, in whatever tribe i am in.
you will be ok kim. you are, as my sponsor once told me right where you need to be.
but, when the overwhelming feelings of depression or grandiosity of mania begin to appear, you get your ass to the shrink. most of us, not matter what mood or thought disorder we have, need med adjustment on an average every 6 mo. some just stop working. i also take anti anxiety medication, a big NA frown. do i give shit? no!
this is my recovery, not theirs. the spiritual playbook is large enough for many roads to freedom. it's nobody's business how you get there. just keep trying.
much care.....and love.